Warning – this is an expensive blog post (four continents, eight countries)
Wilderswil Village, Switzerland. Spring – 16oC. Natural playlist – birds chirping. Sitting by a window with fantastic scenery. Sometimes I write this blog on train.
As crazy as it sounds, this post has been sticking with me from Cambodia, Italy, Switzerland, France, Sweden, Norway… [I failed my own expectation. Not the first time, though.] I think I would have finished this post when I was in Switzerland. Yet I was so enjoying my solo trip, so I failed to make it.
And here it is in Australia, continue my writing. I am sitting at my desk next to a heater. It’s winter in here. 8oC. I am like an odd one here because I love cold. Usually, I don’t put on a jacket. Sometimes, I wear normal [summer] t-shirt and a short. Mostly, I carry my winter jacket around not because I need it but because I don’t want to scare people around me. My friend said to me, “Come on! Put on your jacket. Look at those people,” she pointed her finger to Australians wearing thick winter jackets, “They are Australians. They were born and live here. And who are you, my friend?”
Some people did ask me, “Do you come from a very cold country?” “Hell no. I am from Cambodia. It’s bloody hot.” We joke around about the weather in Cambodia. When I was young, Cambodia used to have two seasons—dry and rainy season. Now, we still have two seasons, but they are “hot and extremely hot.” [I am just crazy]. Finger cross. I better finish this one before starting my Master’s Degree here next week [during mid-July].
[Update as of November 11, 2022]
State Library, Melbourne, Australia
I finally have some proper time to continue writing this. On a semester break now.
This post actually took me an entire year to finish. My birthday is approaching, and 2023 isn’t far away. So this blog post is a handover note of these two things combined.
Handover Notes (n.) documents created by staff members who are about to leave their positions, either temporarily or permanently, to assist their successor to carry out their duties. (*Google)
Handover Notes (n.):
– Dons and Don’ts at 20s
– Letters to my 20s
– Something I wish I knew When I were 20s (*This is how my brain translates handover notes in life, following HipDict style)
I thought I would not write anything to reflect about 2021. But something hit my mind yesterday, triggering this post. My friend and I went to a coffee shop. We discuss a bunch of topics–one of which is about her recent experiences in Australia. She was telling me about some practical and take aways
I thought I would not write anything to reflect about 2021. But something hit my mind yesterday [January 20], triggering this post. My friend and I went to a coffee shop. We discuss a bunch of topics–one of which is about her recent experiences in Australia. She was sharing with me some practical tips and key takeaways for my soon-to-study-in-Australia. Then I was like, “dude, you should write a handover notes about your time in Australia.” Right there, the word “HandoverHandover Notes” hits me.
So I have graduated my 20s, marked safe and sound during 20s crisis. So here are my handover notes—what I have learned, reflected on, and internalised.
- At 30s, your insecurities, overthinking, overcompensations, and whatever negativities that drained and consumed you in your 20s start to run away from you. [You don’t have to believe you. You will notice it yourself once you turn 30s anyway.] This sounds positive but only partially. The 30s is another journey to embrace. It would definitely attract another type of frustration and anxiety—level advance.
- Don’t be too stressed out about your future. I don’t even know why I am here and what has brought me this far. I’m here, anyway.
- In your early 20s, don’t repeatedly volunteer the same job and unpaid internship: people in their 20s often look for development opportunities. One of which is through volunteer jobs or unpaid internships. I’m not against volunteer work or internship, but we have the choice to do the job that teaches us, gives us new experiences and perspectives, and provides us the chance to try new roles and responsibilities. And when and where the opportunities prevail, step up to take leading roles even if we are unpaid. I never did that myself, but I witnessed my friends mentioning volunteer work so many times—most of the time, they were ‘repeatedly’ assigned to do a registration person. And I honestly think it is not the best way to leverage our volunteer or internship. And bullshit all the words ‘it’s good for your portfolio.’ It’s not. It’s about what you have learned, not what you can put in your CVs.
- To succeed in life, you have to know what exactly you want or who you will become in the next 5 or 10 years—this is bullshit. How could we force the 20s, who have no idea (yet) what the real world looks like to know exactly what they want and how certainly to get there? What do we really get from this statement? A lot amount of unnecessary stress, depression, frustrations, and anxiety. How about we tell young people to think of potential goals they want to pursue in life, talk to relevant people, and keep refining and redefining their potential life goals as they grow up and keep learning new things along the way? Sound better, right? I know.
- Strike the right balance of Work-life is a myth. Work-life balance itself is already hard to define, not to mention the practice. Is it about having a proper weekend after an entire week of working? Is it about having enough savings for travel or leisure activities after months of working? Is it about having 5-8 jobs and having some time for your passionate work/activities/project or friends and family? Or is it about working your entire life with enough savings for retirement? I don’t have the correct answer, but my expat friend said his friend calls it a ‘work-leisure’ balance. Then he goes, ‘Work isn’t separate from life.’ Make sense.
- Scholarship – This is why people say we should go to study at a young age. I’m in my early 30s and decided it’s time to pursue higher education. At this age, as we grow older and have more life experiences, we seem to calculate our move. The move is not as free as when we were fresh graduates and perhaps comes with different kinds of baggage. The baggage here could be a family commitment, leaving high position job, a house loan, and/or if higher education is a good trade-off with whatever you have now. The dilemma is if we go for the scholarship at a younger age, we may not have a burden as much as we get older. So as a student, we may be able to better focus on our studies. But go for higher education when we are more mature/senior; we probably know better what we want. The experiences somehow offer us more refined needs and goals.
- Higher education is a good add-on, but it wouldn’t change your life. If you have been trying to apply for the scholarship but have yet to get it. Don’t feel you are not good enough or depressed about not getting it. You need to improve yourself and focus on doing a better job. You need mentors to learn from other people. It takes time, but you will get there eventually. Forget about the idea that the scholarship will change your life. The truth is people who claim they are very qualified for the scholarship, they too are lying. Because you haven’t been there yet, so you have no idea how much those [some] ‘self-claimed qualified candidates’ was frustrated, deal with anxiety, and stressful while waiting for the result (not knowing if they are selected)—only to immediately turn to a confident and proud person once the result is out and they get selected. “Fake it until you make it” remember the phrase? Scholarship would not change your life, it only betters your life and enhances our experiences.
- Education is more than just getting a good and well-paid job. Get educated and get a good job—this is what everyone talks about. Yet, what I never hear people talk about at school is: picking the job that grows you, that you are passionate about, and contributing to a better system and society. Instead of focusing on a good job and financial stability, shouldn’t we also integrate the idea of a sense of purpose? A sense of purpose is a better compass.
- Changed perception over applying for jobs and scholarships. One of my favorite life episodes is “the changed perception.” I have been on quite good jobs—journalist, embassy staff, freelance consultant for giant global tech cooperation, and freelance op-ed writer for an international organization. I get good pay for all the work I have been doing. Now I am on my journey to pursue my Master’s Degree. More often than not, the student and employee think they will have to beg the scholarship provider and employer/interviewer to give them the opportunity. Not anymore. Let’s twist the perception. A better perception is it is a two-way negotiation. At the job interview, we have the skills and knowledge to contribute to the institution’s growth. And the workplace pays us for the skills and work we offer while we also learn new skills and knowledge. At the scholarship interview, what we’ve been doing, and the impacts we make are the reason why scholarship providers should invest in us. With their investment, we could make a more significant impact or contribution. With this newly adopted perception, I have more power to negotiate in a way that I also have something on the table to offer. It’s a win-win situation. It’s a fairer way of thinking.
- Divorce isn’t always a bad ending. It is not that we have to leave every relationship whenever there are any errors without giving it another try or trying to fix it. No one walks into marriage and expects the exit. But at some point, the breakup or divorce is a good exit if it makes the couple have a better or happier life. I know when it comes to an end, there is always one party that gets hurt more, or there is always one side never wants things to end and tries to find every possible way to fix it. But, sometimes, divorce is a passport to a new happy ending. I am a big fan of divorce if the marriage isn’t healthy enough to stay. Recently, a friend of mine got divorced. As a listener, this is what I learned from his case. Some people walk into a marriage life not because they fall in love with a person but because they fall in love with the idea of an ideal marriage. So, in an actual marriage, they realize that their partner is not the person they had expected, or they actually understand their partner enough, or they are not compatible partners. And the hit of disappointments makes them resentful. Before two people decide to get married, they should at least go through some big fights (I mean arguments) to see if they can handle each other’s behavior in the worse situation. In fact, each argument reveals more about who the person is and how a person handles their frustrations. Each argument either brings two people closer when they figure out ways to settle the controversy or part two people from each other when they are unable to get over it.
- Staff layoff isn’t necessarily your fault. Sometimes, it is just because of the differences between how your organization works and how you perform your duties. And at some point, if you can’t find a way to negotiate, compromise or reach a settlement, want it or not, one party has to leave. It’s good if your way of working and your supervisor are on the same page and/or both are willing to negotiate or find ways to settle. But there are cases in which you and your colleagues have very opposite ways of thinking, and there is no way that the two could compromise. That is one common thing in the workplace. One thing I learned from Covide19 about employment is that staff layoff, sometimes, isn’t your fault. I used to think when someone gets fired, it may be because they are unqualified. But Covid19 has suggested another scenario. Usually, an organization has a core operating team—finance, HR, and IT. On the other hand, a job like public relations or communication team is not a core team. So staff layoff and budget cuts would affect the external team more. Other times, it is because your position no longer serves the purpose of the organization’s direction. It gives me the idea that there is no permanent ‘job stability.’
- Correcting yourself isn’t a bad idea—we keep changing after all. And it is always a good idea to re-think the situation, reflect and update our idea and perception based on new knowledge and evidence we have gathered or generated. Adam Grant says “sometimes, it is hard to admit we are wrong and we tend to stick to ‘I’m not biased’ bias. We want to prove ourselves and everyone else that we make a good decision, which could blind you from rethinking the situation. When we suppose to pause and re-thinking, instead we double down our investment to keep going. There is a fine line between heroic persistence and stubborn stupidity.’’
- Get lost. Find yourself. Repeat. It is just an adult life cycle. Cheers!
- Health – why people say you should marry before your 30s. I’ve passed my 20s and am happily single and financially independent. I’m glad I didn’t get married at an early age just to avoid ‘being single.’ [I wouldn’t mind getting married before or after my 30s as long as I find a compatible partner.] But one moment hits me. It strikes me hard. I know someone in her 40s who has undergone an operation, and she can no longer be pregnant alone. Don’t get me wrong. It is upsetting news, and it has nothing wrong with being pregnant or not pregnant here. She is still a complete ‘human being.’ My point is: when women come to a certain age, we could potentially deal with some kind of cancer or disease that could lead to stealing away our chance to have children. Not having children by choice is one thing, but when unwanted causes have withdrawn option from us is another thing. And then it comes to another biological clock about women’s eggs and women’s healthy age to have kids. I feel like we need to find a better balance between ‘health’ and ‘financial’ angles.
- Too much bullshit and toxicity around ‘being independent women.’ Then people go on to further shit like ‘independent women don’t need men.’ I personally feel like women start to pressure themselves to be so-called independent women, carpeting all the vunerable side—which I think is not a healthy mindset. It almost feels like we born into the society that competition between men and women is a lifetime mission that we have to prove ourselves that we are better than other others. Aren’t we all need some kind of support, empathy, and compassion from each other? Aren’t we all human beings?
- Stick to a stable job when you have a bank loan to repay. I don’t think so. So my siblings and I co-buy a house and some property. I don’t really give a shit about these things. I don’t bother to go around telling people I own property unless they are very close and that we discuss investment. I personally just need some kind of passive income so that I don’t have to care too much about financial stability when it comes to my profession. This way, I can truly pursue a fulfilled profession. The advice I get from people is either I stick to my ex-current job, which is stable but feels a bit unsatisfied [this is a safe choice but does not necessarily mean the right choice]. Otherwise, I should not buy property if I want to change to my unstable yet more fulfilling job. I’ve always thought there is no one-rule-fits-all. It is always good to seek advice and discuss with surrounding people, but after all, we make the final call. And sometimes all we need to do is finding the right balance.
- Emotional unwell leaves should be entitled. Sick leaves should also apply for mental burnout, not just physically sick. There was one day I woke up feeling down. I was physically fine but emotionally did not want to leave my bed. I was indecisive if I should text my supervisor, telling her I felt unwell/a headache. I can do that, but the guilt of not telling the truth would consume me. So instead, I texted her, ‘I get an urgent task to settle that I am unable to go to work.’ Still not telling the truth, but for this reason, I use my annual leave to sleep all day and do nothing. It gave me a reflection that what if when we feel down or emotionally drowning and we can ask for ‘[emotional] sick leave’ without feeling guilty? Emotional unwell should be entitled to or included in official sick leave too.
- Period leaves, too, should be entitled. Usually, we receive five days of sick leave without a certificate within a year. I am one of the luckiest women who don’t usually have period pain. Women understand this. The first day of the period is somehow painful and exhausting–like we are at a war battle. The pain is almost equal to being sick. Yet, we rarely use sick leave for period pain. Some people may or may not need period pain, but if they do, I really think we need to grant them leave, and five days of sick leave alone is hardly enough for women who have regular period pain. We never get a medical certificate for period pain. Don’t we?
- Hanging out with people in their 30s or even 40s – save you some regrets and guilts. During my 20s, I learned a lot of incredible life lessons from people at their 30s and 40s—career choices, higher education, financial investment, relationships, and life in general. I am not saying I don’t have any regrets and guilt, but at least their experiences saved me from some mistakes and regrets. And with their experiences, I also learn to make better decisions.
- Liberate a bit of so-called negativity—insecurity, inconvenience, uncertainty, self-doubt, self-conflict, and challenge the nonsense or bullshit set script. I’ve been spending my entire life unintentionally or unconsciously chasing a so-called ‘independent woman’ or ‘strong woman.’ But after doing whatever it takes to be independent or strong, here I am, struggling to connect with my emotions or cooperating emotions into my feeling expression. Not sure if I’m good at emotional suppression or management. Now I have to unlearn every way I used to suppress my emotions and re-connect with myself in every possible way. It’s okay to be upset, to be vulnerable, to be a bit insecure. In my 30s, I started creating a safe space for myself to feel safe and cry more often. I cry more often lately. Mostly it is an appreciative cry or letting my tears drop down when my emotions hit its peak. I cried on the flight when I traveled to Europe. I cried when I wrote a thank you letter to my host family in Australia. I cried when I watched movies at the cinema. And most recently, a cry over a breakup [Don’t see this coming. It just happened all of sudden.]. I guess, during my stay here in Australia, I’ve started communicating more with my emotions and feelings. I have come to realize that I actually have a heart. But because I haven’t used it much, so it somehow doesn’t function properly—it stupidly doesn’t know if it is in love or broken. But it acknowledges chemistry and the pain. This is a good start. Give me some time!!!!!
- You’re humble. No, I am not humble!!! You are! My friend and I attended a very tough course on data journalism. Math and excel have always been my weakness. I already struggle to calculate the budget I spend each day, not to mention to analyze data findings using formulas from the spreadsheet and cooperate them into an in-depth article. My friend and I somehow share the same approach when it comes to dealing with our problems. We would talk or complain about it, but when it comes to calming our mind, we would prefer dealing with it in our own way and space—and mostly, we would be on our own until we find ways out or solve it. She didn’t see how frustrated or anxious I was, and I didn’t see hers. So we both assumed that the other person was more humble in handling the situation. At some point, when the project almost ended, we talked about it. And I said you’ve been so humble, unlike me, I have been overwhelmed and frustrated. And she said, ‘I am not. I thought you were.’ Who on earth doesn’t want to be seen as ‘humble.’ Humble is an appreciative word—but sometimes we hate it. And we want to be more vulnerable. So bullshit to all the good adjectives we’re chasing: humble, strong, and able to handle every shit that happens in our life.
- I don’t invest enough. This is a new lesson I learned during my stay in Australia. After happily staying with an Australian family for five weeks, I moved to a shared house. I wanted to see if my introverted side could fit in a shared place with strangers. I failed my expectation. Initially, I tried to minimize buying stuff for my living here in Australia. I keep thinking I only live here for 1.5 years, so I don’t want to mess up by buying things only to throw them away when I return. It almost feels like I look for an exit at the beginning of my journey here. But I overlooked that I don’t make my stay an actual living, to make my place like a real home for the next 1.5 years. Until one day, I visited one of my new international friend’s place. She was willing to spend and buy new things for her place, and at the end of her stay, she either put these things on sale or shipped her favorite items home. That makes sense. What makes me this long to realize this? The most important thing here is to invest in our happiness and enjoy the moment; whatever happen in next 1.5 year, let’s worry about it later. Now, I moved to a studio room near my campus. Move three times within three months. Oh me. It took me exactly three months to unpack all my stuff. Now I make it an authentic nest/cottage for myself. Enjoy it so far, and I probably not move anywhere again—finger crossed.
- If we won over a suicide thoughts once. It will come back, but it is more likely we can win over it again and again. You understand your depression symptoms last time, you will know when it comes back.First thing first, you need to acknowledge your mental hardship. When you feel empty. When feel like you are not good enough. When you feel like what the point you should continue this life. And when you feel like you are more a burden than a good cause for this universe. When you fear of judgement. When you feel the negativities cloud your mind. If you feel all theses negative emotions, talk to someone you feel they understand you.
~Miracle Footprint~ 